Eternal Sunshine of an Ignorant Mind

Maybe when he found out that that girl that he pretended to like so much in order to escape the obvious ugliness and the associated shame of being seen with her, a love that fed on its need to avoid unnecessary confrontations with people who obviously understood how much better he could do and how little he was settling for, for lack of trying or ego or fear of rejection in a public sort of way or laziness or an adjusting nature or for some cold old forgotten thing that he owed her or the way she performed in private to make up for her unpresentability or the million little ways he resented her presence when he did not want to get off or the million and one ways she found to get him to agree to let her stay during the moments he did not want to get off, how very little he was setting for, curve fitting his life to a societal mean, settling, maybe when he realized that at that point it was already too late and that he had simply invested too much to pull out and walk away and go to bars and look at women he always looked at, talk to women he had always thought about when he talked about that girl he was with, whom he pretended to like but didn't, maybe because of the well defined ways in which he feared ending up alone if he let go of her, no matter how ugly she was, always taking care to say how good she looks, how good she looks, especially in front of friends, who, out of courtsey of similar empathies or unuttered sympathies or full of jealousy because he at least had a girl, a girl, a GIRL, maybe because of the way in which he pretended to like the disgusting and pretentious ways in which she talked, maybe because of the way he killed himself inside everytime they made love and he wished he was jacking off instead, maybe because the curtains of self delusion were proving insufficient in creating enough darkness, maybe the way he hated her but was too egoistic to admit in front of his friends and too scared to admit in front of her, maybe because he indulged in such a high amount of self loathig that he thought he did not deserve anyone better than her, when he did, he did, maybe because his best friends, his bestest of friends loved him and complimented her the way an artist's friends compliment bad art, maybe because of the way he always insisted on her hanging out with his friends so that they, his friends, would not think that he was trying to keep her away from them because he was secretly ashamed of being seen with her, maybe because he knew how ridiculous he sounded when he called her sexy and pretty in front of his friends and how ridiculous his friends looked when they silently agreed, maybe because he hated getting hurt, maybe because of the way the five thousand times he had tried to to break up with her had resulted in a long bout of self doubt and debate which he always lost and won and tried to stay away from as much as possible, maybe because he thought she was so ugly she would never cheat on him, maybe because he believed that she truly loved him and wasn't just settling too, maybe because she too pondered endlessly the possibilites that might lie beyond him, just beyond him, if she was tall enough to look, maybe because she too loathed herself for being so scared, maybe because she called him handsome and he called her sexy and they rolled their inner eyes at each other's jokes and poems and were all surface, maybe because they loved each other in that modern game theoretical way, maybe because they were trapped in that, lover's dilemma, maybe because they both realized that in order to find someone better they would need to let each other go but since they had taken so long to find each other or someone what if they do not find anyone who would kiss their genital organs ever again and who would never touch them or let them be proudly unavailable in front of colleagues and call them and talk to them, maybe that was why they were so perfect for each other and maybe that was why it was such a shame when they broke up and ended up crying alone, at the fact that they had so little to lose and so few drops to shed.