Eternal Sunshine of an Ignorant Mind

The following is a confidential document that was sent to me (yes me, not Julian Assange, but me) by a top level Indian MP. I saw the document and got terribly excited...intellectual hard on and all. So now I just HAVE to tell people about this, because that is what people do when they have information that no common man has. It makes people cool and gets them laid...like, big time...or so I have been told.

The document records a telephonic conversation between Nira Radia, Julian Assange, Barkha Dutt, A Raja and Vir Sanghvi. I have absolutely no idea as to what these people were doing together, or why this particular group or who made the document, since every conversational meeting does not lead to proper documentation but nevertheless, this one did. And I have it. For real.

Document begins-

Julian Assange: So Nira, now that I have released the diplomatic documents that you wanted me to release, what should I do next? How do I make the US look more retarded?

Nira Radia: See, the point is...err...my client, Mr Laden, doesn't just want the US to look retarded, he actually wants them to do something retarded, something that can flare up Muslim emotions, you know? Like attack Iran or something. For that you need to leak some documents that conclusively prove that Iran is planning to attack the US with nuclear weapons...or that Ahmadinejad is having an affair with Michelle Obama...you know,that kind.

Julian Assange: The fuck! I don't have that kind of document!

Nira Radia: Oh Julian...you have such smooth hair and yet you are so naive...I know just the person who can help you get...or make such a document...meet Mr Raja...or King in English...Raja? Say hi baby...

A Raja: Hello Mr Massage! Myself Raja. You can call me king.

Julian Assange: Assange! Anyway, how can you get me a document that shows Iran ready to nuke the US?

A Raja: Sir, I don't get stuff. I make up stuff. I can make you a document that looks exactly like a leaked, original document. It will have whatever we want it to have.

Julian Assange: What? Really? Wow! Awesome! But wait! These documents tend to be written in extremely formal language with a lot of heavy, hollow bullshit words...I can't write like that.

Raja: Neither can I.

Nira Radia: You can't write at all Raja. Anyway, I have the perfect people for the job. Meet two of India's most well known journalists...Barkha Dutt and Vir Sanghvi.

Julian Assange: What the fudge man! How come you know everyone!

Nira Radia: I have more contacts than an Intel i7. Barkha, Vir say hi to Julian uncle.

Barkha and Vir: Hi Julian uncle. Nira aunty, can we go and play now??? Pleeeeeze...

A Raja: You mean play with the trust of millions?

Nira Radia: Haha...Oh Raja, you are so subtle...But no Barkha, Vir...you can't go play before you finish your homework. Vir, did you write the essay that I had asked you to write...on how bad Anil Ambani is? You know you have an assignment due to be published in the Hindustan Times right?

Vir: Yesss aunty...

Nira: And Barkha, did you memorize the elocution speech that I had written down for you? If you don't, how will you do well in your viva on We the People?

Barkha: Yes ma'am...

Nira: Good. Julian, you there?

Julian: Yeah...

Nira: So, write about Iran and how it is planning to attack the US with nukes...use phrases like "Ultimate Jihad" and "Project Maut" and "Phir se nau gyarah"

Vir: These sound like late night movies on Zee Cinema...ma'am

Nira: Vir...do you want a spanking?

Vir: I do not want a spanking...

Nira: Then shut the fuck up.

Barkha: We can make a connection with Pakistan so that the US stops aiding them...this will have the twin benefit of Pakistan pulling out of Afghanistan thereby weakening the US there and pushing the Muslim population further away from the US.

Raja: Wow madam...so smart you are...

Nira: How do you think you got the telecom ministry the second time, dumbfuck?

Raja: True...now I realize the true power of media...

Julian: So you guys will make the documents and pass them to me and I will release them on my site and to major newspapers...but this is a very very serious document...this is not like Qaddafi boning some Ukranian chica...no-one will want to believe it unless we have absolute proof...

Nira: I thought of that...we will put Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's pinch-perfect signature at the bottom of the document...Raja is a master in forging signatures...

Raja: Thank you...

Nira: Also, we can shape US public opinion with the help of Bill.

Julian: Clinton?

Nira: Yes.

Julian: And how in the name of Krishna do you know him? And why in the name of Hare would he do that for us?

Vir: Rama. Hare is the term used to praise Rama and Krishna.

Julian: Oh. My bad.

Nira: I have a MMS clip featuring him and a prominent female politician.

Julian: You mean Hillary?

Nira: Oh god no! My God Mr Assange...you are a twisted man!

Julian: Sounds good...but what if the US attacks Iran and innocent civilians get killed...in the millions?

Nira: I have donated my eyes. My conscience is clear.

Julian: Moral-Dilemma-Shattering-Epicness...

Barkha: I can do a segment where I start off by condemning the US for taking the document at face value and for being a counrty full of right wing nuts to consider attacking a large Muslim country on the basis of a piece of paper...We can get some Muslim members in the audience who can't speak English, so that I get a chance to talk in accented Hindi, thus reducing the space between the common viewer and myself...

Vir: Then I will write an article looking at the evidence in an objective manner...by carefully examining the document (that I am writing anyway) looking for hidden clues and shit...

Nira: Then Barkha, you can invite Vir and debate him...with 4-5 ministers present...providing a through analysis of the situation and asking hypothetical questions to the ministers...like "Sir, what would you have done had you been in Obama's place?" or "Sir, what would you have done had you been in Ahmadinejad's place?" or "Sir, what would you have done if I had been in your place" etc.

Raja: Can I also contribute?

Vir: Dude. 2G scam. You. Underground. Like. Period.

Raja: Wokay

Julian: Wait...why the fuck should you guys debate on this? This is a matter concerning the US and Iran? Don't you already have issues of your own...I mean, all due respect to globalization and stuff...but the US government doesn't really give a fuck as to what India thinks...like, really.

Nira: I know that. But we need news! And our client Mr Laden wants us to popularize this concept everywhere!

Julian: Cool. Just one more thing...why are all of us doing this again?

Nira: Because I will do anything...like literally, anything to make money. Absolutely no limits ever ever.

Raja: I don't really need any more money...but I am bored of sitting at home.

Barkha: Because I have no journalistic integrity and in general no integrity otherwise...I am prepared to do anything for money and fame...and I am shameless enough to defend my actions with chor-kotwal-ko-daate typish arguments.

Vir: And what a woman can do...a man can do better. But we all want to know one thing...why are you in this Julian...why the fudge are you in this? I mean...I do not get your deal. Julian? Julian?

Nira: Julian? You there?

Barkha: Gone. Like wind. Again. So strange, no?

Nira: Yeah...I mean... what IS his deal?

-Document Ends